You never fully recover from the death of a loved one or many deaths in the family. If you are grieving now, you know it. Death changes your life forever.
I think of 2007 as the year of death. On a snowy Friday night, my daughter died from injuries she received in a car accident. Two days later, my father-in-law died of pneumonia. Eight weeks later, my brother died of a heart attack. Several months after that, my former son-in-law, the father of my twin grandsons, died from injuries he received in another car accident.
Life seemed so unfair. Pesach Krauss and Morrie Goldfischer discuss the unfairness of life in “Why Me? Dealing with Grief, Loss, and Change.” Rabbi Krauss says that there was a time when he felt inferior to others. He now sees “that I must compare myself with my own uniqueness, that I am a whole person, not different from others, because everyone, in a sense, is missing a part.”
Well, my husband and I are missing four parts and we are living different lives. What has changed for me?
First, I am the guardian of my grandchildren. I share these responsibilities with my husband. We split our duties. I would take care of food, home and activities, and he would take care of finances. Although he had retired from practicing medicine, he continued to work part-time. But managing his parents’ properties, the twins’ properties, and our own property took so much of his time that he stopped working. Property management is his new job.
Second, finding time to write is a struggle. My writing has to fit in with 5:30 am awakenings, gymnastics meets, band and choir concerts, high school potlucks, sleepovers, and other teen activities. Several friends told me that I would have to stop writing because I was a GRG: grandfather raising grandchildren. Quitting writing was never an option because it would feel like a fifth death in the family.
Third, death has changed my writing. “You’ve become quite an expert on complaints,” commented one book expert. Of course, I would prefer to be an expert in something else. My recent work focuses on loss, grieving, recovery, and creating a new life. Writing has helped me find that life and I recommend it to all who mourn.
Fourth, I have a different lifestyle. My husband and I were used to living alone, dining out, weekend getaways, attending conferences, and traveling. Becoming GRG changed this and we are home again. This change is temporary. The twins have one more year of high school and our lives will go back to normal after the kids go off to college.
Fifth, I am still adjusting to life without loved ones. Bob Deits makes this point in his book, “Life After Loss.” As he writes, “Mourning begins with a terrible and painful loss, but it can end with the discovery of a new life.” Raising my grandchildren has revitalized my life and my husband’s life as well. There is never a dull moment. I have a new appreciation for the moment and the miracle of life.
My life is not over yet. There are books to write, things to see, music to listen to, recipes to try, and more days to spend with my dear husband. Do you wonder if there is a life after a loss or many? I can answer your question with one word. Absolutely!
Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson
