Introduction

Question: My boyfriend was fed up with me being a “drama queen” as he called me and then our relationship ended. I didn’t understand what he meant by that. I was just trying to express my feelings and communicate my thoughts. Now he calls me a “great drama queen” in front of his friends and I feel humiliated. How do I know if I am a drama queen and if I am, what can I do to stop being one?

Possibly one of three things is happening in this subscriber’s situation:

1. His partner ended the relationship for any reason other than what he stated and used the global label of “drama queen” as an “easy way out” to avoid taking responsibility for why he really left.

2. Your partner may be emotionally stifled, uncomfortable with his own feelings or those of others, and cannot tolerate his boyfriend’s expressiveness, leading him to end the relationship to distance himself.

3. You may be too passionate about your emotions and lack of restraint or limits to effectively manage your feelings, not realizing that it may have been overwhelming and driving your partner away with your intensity.

There could be a host of other reasons for the breakup, but the above could be the most likely. If the reason was # 1 or # 2, our subscriber is better off looking for a more compatible partner who is able to express themselves emotionally, actively listen, and directly communicate their needs and wants. The fact that the ex-boyfriend made fun of him for his emotionality towards his friends is also a sign of disrespect and you should see this as a great “red flag” about the level of maturity, character and integrity of your ex. If the reason is # 3, our subscriber can benefit from learning skills to better regulate their emotions to avoid reactivity in their relationships with others; This could keep you from meeting your needs.

This article will offer some strategies on how to manage your feelings in your relationship with your partner so that you can change the dynamics that exist toward more positive outcomes for both of you.

What is a drama queen?

Personally, I hate labels and “drama queen” tends to have a negative connotation describing someone who is overly emotional, irrational, and over the top with their reactions and interpretations of events. I prefer to define a “drama queen” as someone who is very passionate about how she feels and communicates this exuberance in a magnified way that may be out of proportion to the current situation. How is that for a politically correct definition?

Other personality characteristics can include extreme sensitivity, drawing negative conclusions, thinking worst of all, being in a bad mood, prone to overreacting, taking things out of context, impulsive, flamboyant, the list goes on and on. These are, of course, stereotyped qualities; however, the defining characteristic would be the exaggerated feeling of being reactive. The types of drama queens share common distorted thinking styles that allow them to react to situations the way they do, i.e. catastrophic (exaggerating, dramatizing, creating worst-case scenarios, and basing their decisions on these judgments) , mind reading (assuming you know what others are thinking without having the evidence to back it up), black and white thinking (thinking all / nothing and in terms of one or the other), and over-generalizing (making radical judgments about something or someone across the board, using words like always, never, everyone and nobody). The problem with the drama queen label is that it gives feelings a bad name, and that’s a dangerous consequence. The key to success is finding that balance so that you don’t trade into extremes.

Facts about feelings

· As cliché as it may seem, all feelings are valid and okay; it’s what you do with them that counts. They are not right or wrong, they just are.

Feelings communicate to us what we need, what we care about, and what is happening. They are signals that we must pay attention to and help us make decisions about what to say and do. Therefore, it is important to label the emotions that we experience.

· We choose how we feel; no one makes us feel a certain way and, conversely, we cannot change other people’s feelings. Our reactions to situations are under our control.

· Feelings demand recognition and should not be “filled.” Without some kind of healthy outlet for release, they can contribute to stress, medical and mental health issues, interpersonal issues, and lead to self-destructive behaviors to self-medicate against its effects.

8 strategies to calm your inner drama queen

Here are some suggestions to keep your feelings “in check” so they don’t overflow and create undue stress for you or contribute to escalating conflict with your partner during important discussions.

1. Pay attention to the sensations you feel in your body that indicate the development of discomfort. Delay your reaction to what is happening and take a “time out” to compose yourself and gain some clarity of thought and perspective.

2. Keep a journal, put your feelings on paper, express yourself through some kind of art project, exercise, practice relaxation techniques.

3. Identify the triggers that cause moments of strong emotion. Do you notice any patterns? How to restructure those situations? Participate in some productive problem solving to generate some possible solutions.

4. Control your internal dialogue. Your thoughts contribute to your feelings and behavior (they also interrelate with each other). During emotional moments, keep a written record of the situations, feelings, and thoughts that occur and work to uncover the self-talk that can improve your mood or cause distortions in thinking. Pay close attention to catastrophic and overgeneralizing thoughts and beliefs.

5. During a moment of drama, ask yourself these questions to gain additional perspective: Is this a real or imagined threat? If it is real, what is the probability that it will happen? Can’t really face it? What’s the worst that could happen? Is it a life or death threat? Most of the time, you will feel deactivated after doing a few reality tests like this.

6. Examine your moments of strong emotion and determine your role. What is the purpose behind your feelings or outbursts? What do you hope to achieve? What do you gain from such behavior? Stress relief? A sense of power? Attention? Try to find alternative ways to meet these needs.

7. Many times in relationships, conflicts occur because the couple has unmet needs that are acting on each other instead of being direct and asking for what they want. When you overreact with your partner, is it because they are not fulfilling a need? Don’t you feel heard or understood so drama becomes a way of demanding your attention or adding an element of emphasis to your points? Learn to be assertive and make requests while doing the same for your boyfriend. Develop your mastery of communication and conflict negotiation skills.

8. Discussions or “drama sessions” with our partners adopt predictable patterns over time, called chain reactions. He does or says something, you respond, he reacts, you react, and a downward spiral of negative responses to the statements and behaviors of others occurs. Draw a diagram on a piece of paper of your chain reactions in your relationship and practice rewriting these scripts to point to more productive results.

Conclution

There is a cure for drama-queenitis! Be open and identify your feelings, look for healthy channels of release from your emotions, and find ways to balance them and logic to create a more level and stable emotional posture. As a couple, support each other and try to understand the underlying feelings and dynamics at play behind your conflicts because there is special meaning behind the drama. Also, be sure to do an assessment of your life story and begin to heal any past pain that you may be projecting into your relationship that could take the form of role play. If you or your partner have difficulty understanding the language of emotions, read books on emotional intelligence and resilience. Applying these strategies can help modulate your emotions and promote a much happier personal life. Let the drama be served in the theater!

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, certified personal life coach, is the gay love coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach newsletter full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current training groups, programs and teleclasses, visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

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