I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Very often, people come for help and wonder if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Your partner may not be interested in working on the relationship. Perhaps your partner is an alcoholic or a drug addict. What are your chances of saving your relationship?

Since two people always come together at their common level of hurt, this is what I say to the couple who have sought my help: “As long as you choose to stay in this relationship, there are things you must learn. Each couple contributes 100% to relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is detrimental to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what they are doing. However, until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will carry your own dysfunctional behavior to another relationship. Usually it is a waste of time, unless there is physical abuse, to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to be yourself. of what your partner is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you, then it’s time to go. e to your partner in a way that is loving to yourself and supports your own joy and highest good. “

When the partner who is available for counseling does their inner work, one of two things happens. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients it’s a 50-50 deal – half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They must agree with any of the results. In fact, I encourage you to put the result aside and just be in the process of learning to care for yourself with love.

Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is an equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with submission, indulging in his covert attempt to control Gloria’s anger. He believes that being a “good boy” will control his feelings and behavior. So while Gloria tries to control Craig openly, Craig tries to control Gloria covertly. Until Craig begins speaking his truth rather than giving himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If you have the courage to lovingly care for yourself by speaking your full truth without reproach or judgment, and taking loving actions for yourself based on your truth, then things will get better or worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than keep losing himself.

Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functional alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feels very alone with him. She has tried many ways to get Martin to connect with her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches television, feeling sad and lonely.

Until Marilyn decides to do whatever it takes to be happy, nothing will change. Whether you decide to take classes, meet friends, join a support group, or go to Alanon, you will no longer be a victim of Martin’s decision to retire through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself for a while (six months to a year) and nothing changes, then she may decide to leave. Or you can decide to stay and keep making yourself happy. There is also the possibility that when Marilyn stops pressuring Martin to make her happy, he decides to take care of himself instead of being left alone most of the time.

Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!