“Girls like bad boys.” This is a very popular phrase and, in some cases, it is true. Bad guys are not boring, they are not nerds, they are not shy, and they have an “I don’t care” attitude. They are sometimes mysterious, with an aura of charm and relaxed body language that is attractive to the opposite sex. Oddly enough, abusers are almost never bad boys; They want them to like you, so they share their feelings with you because they want you to be involved with their emotions. If you are involved with your feelings, then you will try to understand them, try to learn what motivates them.
If your boyfriend slaps you, punches you, strangles you, shakes you, treats you roughly, pushes you, or causes you physical pain in any way, the answer to the question is easy: Yes, he is an abuser. No need to continue reading.
Unfortunately, abusive men don’t show their hands right from the start. Not your ‘physical’ hands. But there are ways to discern if the abuse tendency lurks beneath your exterior. The following are three indications that your boyfriend may be an abuser hiding in lover boy clothes:
1. You are self-centered, narcissistic, and selfish. All of these terms are synonymous, but I will endeavor to develop their meanings. The egocentric is self-explanatory, the self is the center of attention. Narcissistic means having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration.) Egotist means excessively conceited or self-absorbed. Now, think about your boyfriend and the last conversations you had with him. Was it mainly him? Did you have the feeling that he was not listening to you or your opinions because he continually reminded him of the subject and how he thought? In her book “Why do you do that?”, Lindy Bancroft states that “egocentricity is a personality characteristic that is very resistant to change, as it has deep roots in a deep right (in abusers) or in serious injuries emotional early (in non-abusers), or both (in narcissistic abusers) “.
2. You seem to take the relationship seriously right away. Most of the time, men avoid commitments. They do not want to settle or have not yet found the right one. When the subject of marriage or stable relationship comes up, they want to change the subject, avoid the subject altogether. If your boyfriend is already talking about the future, wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, it could be because he wants to “own you.” How many abused women have said that their abusers told them, “If I can’t have you, no one will.” If you try to slow down and he objects, this may be a sign that there is danger ahead.
3. His anger scares you. Anger is a normal emotion. We all get angry sometimes. But when someone’s anger is intimidating, something is wrong. Examples of anger that is intimidating are approaching the object of your anger, pointing a finger in the face, pushing, blocking movement, or restraining yourself. The excuse that someone who exhibits the above behavior often gives is “I just want you to listen to me!” If your boyfriend kicks in doors or punches holes in the wall; if he throws things, sometimes he hits you, sometimes not; speed up or try to wreck a vehicle when angry; makes you flinch or flinch when angry; or makes veiled threats like “You won’t like me when I’m angry, these are danger signs.
Abusive men don’t want the cat to come out of the bag too soon. They want to spend time with you, get involved, make you believe that nobody loves you like they do; in short, they want to own it. Are you a possession? If not, pay attention to the signals he gives you. All the ways an abuser behaves lead to the one thing he wants more than anything: control. Take control of your own life and resist abuse. Once abuse occurs, it is just the beginning. Once abusers are in control, they usually refuse to give it up. In other words, if it ever hits you, it will hit you again.
