This is one of the most fundamental truths of being a parent, regardless of your child’s needs: if you don’t correct your child’s behavior, what you’re saying goes far beyond “that behavior is acceptable,” you’re saying “I don’t you think you can learn. That message hurts much more than any misunderstanding or failure that can occur when applying behavior management techniques.

Setting limits: The first part of discipline is teaching your child what is strictly unacceptable. There are situations where having a dialogue is preferable, hopefully that’s most situations, but there are also those where a ‘line in the sand’ is vital. “Never hug an alligator,” for example (heard in person in the New Orleans swamp!). This should primarily be used in situations where the ‘natural consequence’ of your behavior is intolerable (such as death or serious injury), but there are exceptions (see below). Naturally, an ‘artificial consequence’ is a critical part of this process.

Communicate expectations: In situations that are not that serious, the goal is for the child to understand how he or she is expected to act. And, perhaps even more importantly, how they are expected not to act. Ideally, this should be done before they get into a given situation, so they can meet those expectations right away, but feel free to immediately stop them at any point and communicate your expectations clearly (potentially for the fifth or eighth time).

Testing: There are smart kids who will deliberately ‘test’ their expectations by seeing how close they can get to rape without getting into trouble, and there are also those who will ‘test’ them by deliberately (and repeatedly) violating them. In both cases, resort to the first technique: set limits for your tests (let them try a little), and if they challenge those limits, the ‘artificial consequence’ is applied.

Let nature take its course: In most cases where the “natural consequence” of an action is acceptable (i.e. falling off a log they’re swinging against or having to ask a scary neighbor for permission to get something out of your garden) just let it happen, or don’t. This kind of ‘danger’ is a vital part of growing up, and if it means you have to comfort them and put a Band-Aid or two on them, well, that’s a lesson learned. You’d rather be the comforter than the dictator who kept them off the record in the first place.

Invoke nature in the home: For most behaviors in the home, there is also an intuitively obvious ‘natural consequence’: feel free to invoke them. If your child throws food, take his dinner away and don’t give it back. That is a natural consequence. If your son doesn’t want to get into bed at bedtime, take the bed away from him (or keep him out of her bedroom) and let him know that he can’t use a bed to sleep that night.

Be consistent, create and stick to a routine, and communicate clearly without preaching. Use occasional praise and rewards to encourage good behavior as well as apply discipline when needed, and you’ll find that your child with special needs can learn to act appropriately.