It’s not uncommon for me to hear from couples who are separated and still have sex. Many of them confess this fact as if it were something horrible that is exclusive to them. I can promise you it is not. And if you think about it, this makes sense. Your spouse is someone who, hopefully, you’ve gotten used to sleeping with and enjoyed the process. It’s normal that when they take this away from you, you miss it. And it’s also normal to want to connect physically when you’re scared, lonely, and unsure about the future of your marriage.
And it doesn’t have to be harmful, as long as both people are clear and agree on what sex means and no one feels taken advantage of. That, of course, is the great irony of it. While having sex apart is relatively common, having sex without confusion or worry is not. People tend to leave the meeting more confused than ever. And many (especially wives) feel taken advantage of.
You might hear someone say, “My husband and I have been apart for about six weeks. For the first two of those weeks, my husband was really horrible to me. He wouldn’t talk to me or take my calls. He” I told some of our mutual friends that I was selfish and that the breakup was my fault. This is not true, but I guess he felt the need to turn our friends against me. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I ran into each other at a restaurant to celebrate a friend’s birthday. There were a lot of people there. We had a few drinks and some laughs. Then the next thing I know, we’re back in our house having sex. I figured this would be a one time thing and my husband would be cold again. But he called the next day and invited me to dinner. We have been seeing each other much more often and yes, having sex. A couple of our mutual friends are saying that my husband is just using me. They say that he’s essentially having “booty calls” and then walks out. I understand his co-concern, but I don’t think this is entirely fair. It’s not like we have sex and then he avoids me or doesn’t call. He does. In fact, for the last two days, we just talked and laughed on the phone. There was no sex involved. Just us talking. Still, he worries me that they’re right. Is it possible that he is just using me and will be cold again once he gets his fix of sex from him?
Well, anything is possible I guess. But it seems to me that for now it is contributing something more than sex. The two are talking and it seems that progress is being made.
What could be your real concern and a possible solution: I think maybe your real concern is whether progress would be made if sex wasn’t there. There is a way to test that, if you care that much. I could discuss this with her husband. You could even tell her that you’re worried that your relationship is all about sex and see how she reacts. If she stops calling and communicating once the sex stops, then that’s potentially problematic.
But, you have to look at the totality of the situation. We’re not talking about a one night stand here. We are talking about her husband. He is not someone you just met and got into bed with. You have a history with this man. So it is a huge exaggeration to think that he will sleep with you and just disappear, never to call you again. If the marriage ends, it probably won’t be the sex that ends it, although the sex can confuse things. And that confusion can lead to misunderstandings, which can stop or threaten your progress.
My suggestion would be that if something worries you or makes you feel uncomfortable, you have the option to be honest with your spouse or you can try it. So, I could tell her husband what her friend said and ask for reassurance. Or, you could tell her that for now, she wants to put a limit on sex until it’s clear where their relationship is headed. Either tactic could give you more information.
This is just one person’s opinion. But to me, if a man just wants sex and doesn’t really have a romantic interest in his wife apart from him, there are other women that he might seek it from. He is more likely to feel lonely for you and miss you. Does this mean that you will save your marriage and reconcile immediately? Not necessarily, but it certainly means that he is still attracted to you. And that can be a good sign.
Some questions to ask yourself: I think it really depends on how the whole process makes you feel. Do you feel used? Or are you consciously deciding that this is what you want no matter how it turns out?
The answers to these questions are important because if you feel used but move on anyway, then you are not coming from a strong place. But if she knows that even though she can’t see the future, she is choosing to be physically with her husband because that is what she wants, then she is coming from a place of strength. It never hurts to ask questions or ask for clarification if you are not sure. Just do it gently and in a lighthearted way. Sex can be awkward enough without asking you to analyze it. Or, you can withdraw from sex and see what happens. That might also give you more information.
