In a perfect world, your spouse would be your biggest cheerleader. He is the one who must lift you up and defend you against all others. When you feel bad about yourself or have doubts, he is the one who should tell you that you are more than fine just the way you are, or at least offer positive support. So when it’s your own spouse offering you criticism or telling you the many ways you fall short or need to change, it’s extremely painful. And he can make you question his love for you and your marriage.

A wife might describe a disturbing situation like this: “When I met my husband, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Nobody had ever seen me the way he did and maybe that’s why I was absolutely addicted to it.” being around him. It gave me more confidence and I loved it. But now, it’s like he’s determined to rip that confidence out of me. Because he knows me better than anyone, he’s able to point out all the things that are wrong with me. I admit I don’t see myself exactly like on our wedding day, but who does? I try really hard, but there’s an aging process that can’t always be stopped in its tracks. Apparently, I’m not blonde enough or skinny enough. Apparently, I don’t win enough money and I’m not as interesting as the women my husband works with. Every weekend, we used to spend all the time together, just the two of us. Now, my husband always invites friends and family, like it’s not his It’s enough for him to be alone with me. good enough to hold his attention all the time. This is hurting me a lot. He makes me think that he doesn’t love me anymore. And it makes me think that, in the end, my marriage is not going to last.”

I understand your concern and sympathize with you. I’m talking about saving marriages, but I think you may have an added challenge unless you can get your husband to communicate with you in a more positive way, which I definitely think is possible. You may not even realize you sound so judgmental. And frankly, sometimes when a person isolates all of their frustration on one person that’s so close to them, I wonder if they’re just scapegoating that person and projecting their own frustrations on them. What I mean by this is that sometimes when people have something problematic in their lives or something they don’t like about themselves, they project it onto those closest to them. So when her husband tells him that he doesn’t make enough money, he might actually be disappointed in his own earning power. When she says you’re not skinny, she may be noticing that he’s put on a few pounds himself. But instead of handling that objectively, he sounds critical of you.

It is not my intention to defend it. That’s not my intention. I’m only telling you this because I want you to know that their criticism may have nothing to do with you and does not reflect your worth. And I don’t want you to take them personally or have them as encouragement to make you feel bad about yourself.

I think before you can work something out, I suggest you try to get him to communicate with you in a less hurtful way. It’s hard to figure things out when you feel personally attacked and therefore on the defensive.

So the next time he starts saying things that sound personal and unfair, you can try something like, “I need to interrupt for a minute because I don’t want to keep this up. When you say things like that to me, it hurts. It makes me feel unloved.” .I don’t think you intend for that to happen and I have my doubts that you’re aware of what you’re doing. But when you say things like that, it makes me feel attacked. It makes me feel like you don’t think I’m good enough and that You regret being married to me. It makes me feel criticized. I don’t think you mean to do this on purpose, but that’s how I feel. So it’s hard for me to hear what you’re saying objectively because all I can focus on is in the pain of criticism. So I’m going to ask you to talk about some specific things that can be changed instead of general things that are only meant to hurt. I’d rather you say something specific like what you think I should be doing do different in my work. Instead of telling me I’m not pretty enough, I’d like to hear details about what the real problem is. Do you understand the difference? Because right now, this isn’t getting either of us closer to what we want. It just makes me feel hurt and probably makes you feel frustrated. So, let’s get to the real issue here. What bothers you the most? How can we help each other?”

I am hopeful that this conversation can start to turn things around. If not, I strongly suggest you see someone objective who can help you communicate more effectively and figure out what’s really at stake. Because the kind of communication you’re describing rarely brings resolution. It only causes hurt and hurt feelings.