With age and experience, people can also gain wisdom by taking time to reflect on the people and situations that have shaped who they have become. With wisdom also comes the responsibility to pass it on to others, like a father lovingly guiding a son, to help him grow. Shared experiences can serve to enlighten those who are beginning a new path and, if people take the time to really listen, can help them avoid the things that caused them pain and suffering.

Chances are that no matter what stage of life you are in, you can look back on the events that unfolded in your life and wish you had known then what you know now. That is the essence of wisdom. What you are about to read may be one of the most important and valuable pieces of information you have ever received. Not because I’m a cocky guru, but because I’ve been to dark places. I’ve been on the edge of the abyss and from the things I’ve experienced I can help you recognize, and possibly avoid, the pitfalls that can literally steal pieces of your soul. The question is; will you listen

When I started working as a police officer, no one dared to talk about how the job can cause problems. Talking about such things would have been considered a sign of weakness by my companions, and the trust that is necessary between warriors would have been eroded. You were expected to just “suck it up”, let it all roll off your back and just move on, like a Dirty Harry movie, with no baggage. We all try to act like this, but I’ll tell you this; everyone suffered at some point, usually in silence.

Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) were rare and, if they existed, they were rarely used. “I don’t need a fucking psychiatrist!” was a common battle cry! Never let them see you down…stay strong…never show weakness. And so the culture prevailed and very few were brave enough to seek help. And, for the record, this type of mentality is not limited to police officers. I have many personal friends who are not involved in police culture who have fallen into this trap.

Years later, the system began to change. EAP became a component of the department, whether we like it or not, and some people started using this tool. Even so, quite a few rumors could still be heard about how weaker officers were involved in the show and how they could no longer be trusted to “cover your back”. This attitude was even reinforced by several respected “old school” supervisors who simply couldn’t grasp the real problem. I counted myself among those who still considered seeking help a sign of weakness. I was a warrior… why would I need help? I survived many critical incidents. I saw enough horrors to last lifetimes, but it was just part of the job… nothing unusual, it’s just what I did. It is not a big thing! Denial became my mantra.

But then the little warning signs began to appear. Friends who hadn’t seen me in a long time would ask me; “Are you okay? You look tired…stressed…pissed off…depressed.” I would tell them not to worry, I just wasn’t sleeping well, or I was working too hard, or I had been sick, or my family was having problems, or I got hurt again, or… the excuses never ended Friends told me how much more fun it was when I was younger and not so serious. Little things began to annoy me and my temper, especially with my family, began to slip. Everything irritated me if things didn’t go exactly as expected, but I kept this growing anger to myself, deep down. Every once in a while, when I hit my saturation point, I would explode and thank God I took it out on the workouts and the property, not the people. I began to worry about this anger and my ability to control it.

What is important to understand is that these changes happened slowly, over the years. There were no sudden big changes, just little ones that began to add up and upset the happy young man he used to be. The changes were so subtle that I didn’t recognize them, or simply justified, denied, or suppressed the reality of these changes. Even many friends and family simply went along with these changes with me, disregarding our intuition that something was wrong. But something was wrong and little by little it was getting worse.

I started to really like high-risk activities like road motorcycle racing, the grim reaper in my kung fu classes, bonsai mountain biking, high-risk racing, service calls, or anything that kept my mind from being restless. These activities forced me to focus on the present moment with incredible clarity. I liked the thrill of these activities because the rush of adrenaline and endorphins made me feel alive. However, for every high there is a low. And when I came down I felt tired, depressed, listless and irritated. So work and high-risk activities became a drug, something that made me feel good, and when I was home and calm, it depressed me. I began to associate these feelings with my family and began to see them as the source of these problems. I was approaching the abyss.

My real wake-up call came when I hit spiritual bankruptcy. I realized that I no longer cared if I lived or died. It wasn’t suicidal, it wasn’t anything that dramatic. I was just getting to a place where I didn’t give a damn. I was just going through the motions for no reason to continue. My passion for life was gone. The events I had experienced finally caught up with me and I was flooded to the brink of darkness. So I got caught. I began to realize how dramatically I had changed and began to look deeply into the darkness that was hanging over my life.

While all of this was coming to a head, I was developing a course on wellness for law enforcement. I found a brochure that measured stress levels for a person that I planned to use in my classes. I decided to take my own test and was honest in answering the questions. On this particular test, if you scored 300 points, you were at the highest levels of stress and had more than a 90% chance of developing a serious stress-related illness. My score was 456! I was off the chart and it was like a slap in the face. I started to really look at my life and that’s when all the little red flags that I had highlighted were ignored. I realized that I had some problems and really needed help.

I sought help through the department’s peer support system and the EAP program. It was by far the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I think it literally saved my marriage, my relationship with my children, and quite possibly my life. It pulled me out of the abyss and I finally realized that the EAP program was there to help. The most rewarding part of it all was that everyone I told at work was 100% supportive. The stigma of weakness that worried me so much simply did not exist. I still had the respect and trust of my peers, and best of all, I began to regain my own self-respect. The darkness was being replaced by light and I began to feel alive again. It was nice to be back and many people commented on how much more relaxed I looked and acted. It was an incredible change that I could not have made without the help I received.

Morgan Freeman, in a movie called Shawshank Redemption, said this; “If you’re not busy living, then get busy dying. Damn!” I am happy to report that I am back among the living. If I had known what I know today when I started as a police officer, I would have paid more attention to the warning signs. He would have been better prepared to recognize problems when they were sprouting and could have sought help before they became firmly entrenched. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering and realized that seeking help is not a form of weakness, but rather an expression of strength. Never forget that there are people who are ready to help you in your time of need.