Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication and giving skills to be better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talking is not necessarily communication; And there are many non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy and develop resentment by making big announcements about things “If you don’t start picking up your clothes, I’ll send them to Good Will” “If you don’t help me, I’ll do it myself” “If you ever I catch cheating, I’ll go” or the classic, “We have to go to counseling”.

I’m all for good communication, but if you’ve tried communicating and it’s not working, it’s time to adopt the Nike tagline and “just do it.”

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story about his parents: His mom said to his dad, “Wouldn’t it be nice to take down this wall and make the living room bigger?” His dad just nodded with a groan. When he came home from working on the farm the next day, she took a sledgehammer and punched a big hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh about it, because it shows what a dynamo his mother was and would do whatever it takes. He also says that he is careful what he says “yes”, because he knows that I will follow him.

Complaining, complaining, nagging, and making sarcastic comments is not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, tantrums, and fits of anger are also not effective communication. If you think your partner is unwilling or unable to work with you, these techniques are useless and usually make the problem worse. Fighting about something over and over again is a great indication that you are not communicating effectively.

There is an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: ask directly for what you want; then, if you’re not getting any cooperation, you can skip all the fighting, fussing, and arguing: stop talking about it and just solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful encouragement for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she cannot be part of the solution and loses the power to stop or stop it. This is not done in the spirit of “Okay, you won’t negotiate, so I’ll show you,” but rather in the spirit of “I understand you don’t want to discuss this, so I’ll have to figure it out myself, to the best of my ability. When I’m ready to cooperate and negotiate, I will be available. I’ve written about this before, as a technique called “solve it yourself”. The emphasis here is on not talking about it any further; just figure it out for yourself.

There are several benefits of this approach:

• It’s liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and realize that you don’t have to count on your partner’s involvement to be satisfied, but you don’t have to exclude him or be unpleasant either.

• You no longer have the problem you were worried about.

• You can still have a good love relationship, because you have excluded your partner (negotiation is always open) and you don’t feel frustrated, angry or deprived.

• It takes the pressure off your partner and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and be less defensive and more interested.

• It prevents you from feeling helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to appreciate your partner’s cooperation when he or she offers it.

The key to solving the problem instead of repeatedly talking about it is to believe that a satisfactory solution exists. Caring about your partner’s wants and needs (as well as your own) is critical to cooperation, but you can’t effectively meet your partner’s needs without his help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on going it alone until you get their cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and extend an invitation to your partner to meet with you whenever he or she wants, you can focus your attention on solving the problem yourself. If you try to please your partner at his expense, there is no chance that both of you will be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure that you can be sure that you have given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate and that you are not overreacting.

Guidelines to solve it yourself

1. Make sure you have made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go figuring it out yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to involve your partner in the negotiation, not just the fight.

two. Tell your partner what you are doing.. He makes it clear that she has tried to negotiate the problem, that his assessment is that her partner doesn’t want to work on it, that she would prefer to work together, but that she has decided what she is going to do about it. on her account. You may want to say that you are sad to have to do this and that you are protecting what is good in the relationship. It is very important to be able to do this calmly and definitely.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to follow your own solution, but that you are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which prevents it from becoming a power play.

Four. Communicate your good will. Let your partner know that you value him or her and society, and that you don’t like having to make one-sided decisions, but feel like you have no choice, because her partner won’t work on it with you.

5. Make sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you think your partner won’t like it. If the solution works for both, the issue is resolved and no further discussion is needed. if your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to negotiate, and staying out is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner wasn’t part of it. What would you do if your best friend was involved? Looking at a relationship problem from just one person’s point of view often points out places where you’re being unnecessarily dependent.

Hopefully, you’ll rarely need to solve a problem without your partner’s cooperation, but knowing that you can solve the problem on your own and still leave the door open for your partner’s involvement means you can remain calm and polite in front of others. your partner’s reluctance to cooperate. . You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you’re doing ahead of time.

This will certainly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry, and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people and lead to a negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.