Improving your marriage doesn’t necessarily have to mean big changes on your part or on your spouse. Many times, the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship.
It can be daunting to focus only on the big, far-reaching changes that you think are necessary, such as better communication or greater intimacy. Instead, focus on making several small changes that can affect the quality of your relationship right away.
Once you generate a positive energy flow, it will be easier to tackle the most important issues. Plus, you’ll be more motivated to put in the effort and keep trying.
Here are seven simple ways you can improve your marriage:
1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did you know that research from Idaho State University shows that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates?
This study involving 132 couples found that those who dated more frequently (the average was six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together.
So get out your calendar and schedule a few times for you and your spouse to go out and spend time together doing something that you both enjoy.
You can dine in a restaurant, go dancing, watch a movie or play games, or listen to live music. The important thing is that you spend time together and have fun.
If you have children and have been neglecting this part of your relationship for a long time because you don’t want to leave the children with a babysitter, there is probably something else underneath the convenient “reason.”
Doing everything with the kids and not spending time alone with your spouse can be one way of trying to avoid sex or minimize romance. It is a mistake to think that this will not harm your marriage in the long run, because it will.
2. Show respect when talking to your spouse. You may not realize that you are hurting your marriage when your spouse is speaking to you and sighs in exasperation and rolls your eyes.
Psychologist John Gottman has done research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end unhappily. He has found contempt to be the most damaging, and says that rolling your eyes when your spouse talks to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt.
The actual words used in interactions between a couple are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicated out loud. Therefore, you are giving your partner important information about how you really feel about him (or her) when you disrespect him.
Begin to be more aware of your behavior when your spouse is speaking to you. You can ask your spouse if they feel disrespectful to you during conversations and interactions with you. But don’t ask for honest feedback unless you’re prepared to receive it without getting defensive. The goal is to become more self-aware and improve your relationship with your partner.
3. Get the television out of the bedroom. You may be surprised by the research results on late-night television.
A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella Salomoni found that among couples over the age of fifty, those who kept the television out of the bedroom had sex an average of seven times a month compared to 1.5 times a month for couples with televisions. The implication is that late-night television can translate into much less sex for many couples.
It’s easy to see how this could happen over time without a couple pausing to think about the long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy. Watching television becomes a habit and the path of least resistance.
If removing the television from your bedroom sounds too drastic, at least consider starting a conversation with your spouse about these findings and whether your marriage could benefit from watching less television in the evenings.
Four. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical Journal reported that when 1,500 women were asked how often they took vacations, 20% said six years or more had passed. These non-vacationers were more likely to feel stressed and unhappy in their marriages.
Everyday life can get so bogged down with details, work, and loose ends that fun and romance can easily get buried and neglected. Remember the old saying: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
Certainly, the same is true with relationships: if there is no time to play and have fun, boredom, fatigue and boredom often take over. Passion and romance thrive on stimulation, the building of new positive memories, and the excitement that change brings.
Just getting out of the house and seeing and doing different things can be energizing and liven up an outdated relationship. Vacations don’t have to be expensive or exotic. Consider staying in a state park or camping. Explore off-season rates and advertised motel specials. Put on your creative thinking cap and see what’s possible.
5. Remember to hug your partner every day. Doctors from the University of North Carolina have found that hugging increases blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that is linked to confidence.
According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study’s authors, “It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional and physical closeness in couples …”
Make it a point to start more hugs and don’t be ashamed to ask for what you need and want. Ask your partner to join you in some bear hugs every day or a snuggle session on the couch while you talk. Both of you will feel better afterwards!
Note: If “hugs = sex” in your marriage, it’s time to make a change. Many wives complain that their husbands only touch them (shake hands, hug, kiss, snuggle) when husbands want sex.
These wives often try to avoid physical contact with their husband because they do not want to arouse him. This leads to a continued withdrawal and lack of closeness and connection. Therefore, it is important that hugging is not just a prelude to sex.
6. Celebrate the special days for the two of you. Take the time to record special days on your personal calendar so you don’t forget them.
What days should you celebrate? To get started, include the day you met your spouse, your wedding day, your partner’s birthday, your birthday, New Years, Valentine’s Day, and any other date that has significant meaning or cause for celebration.
Over the years, I have heard many spouses express their grief that their partner never buys them a gift, not even for their birthday. No special dinner or birthday cake, nothing.
They may not receive a Valentine’s card or a Christmas present either. It always saddens me to hear this, because it seems like a great waste of opportunity to celebrate. And the message delivered to the couple is that she (or he) is not valued or treasured.
Life is short and you cannot take your beloved partner for granted. Look for every opportunity to celebrate your love, your marriage, and the fact that you are alive!
7. Smile more often. A genuine smile can warm your heart and make you more attractive to your spouse.
This is because smiles are sexy and contagious, and the energy they produce can give you and your spouse the needed boost just when you need it most.
Smiling connects you with others so that you are not distant and detached. A warm smile invites your spouse to come closer, connect with you, and stay in your presence. You will feel better and so will your spouse.
