It’s always something of a double-edged sword when you finally get your estranged spouse to admit that they love or miss you, only to hear a big “but” at the end of that sentence. The most devastating of all is that sometimes that “but” is connected with a phrase that alludes to the fact that the husband wants to continue with the separation or “move on” with her life. Sometimes, after the wife gets angry or presses him for more information, she stops short of saying that she wants a divorce right away. But she makes it clear that the separation will not be over anytime soon.
Here is an example. A wife might say, “When my husband first insisted on a separation, he made it sound like he was going to have a sleepover with his brother for a while. his system’s need for space. But weekends turned into weeks. And weeks turned into months. Eventually, he got his own place and rarely saw his brother. We’ve been in touch all this time, but I often feel as if my husband is controlling his little sister instead of his wife. Sometimes he feels like he is only concerned about my well-being and safety, but not my feelings. Lately, I have been getting very discouraged with this and I commented that my own husband doesn’t even miss me. To my surprise, my husband wasn’t just listening, he responded by assuring me that he DID miss me. For just a second, I got my hopes up. But then my hopes were dashed when he went on and said, ‘I miss you. . But for now, I just want to move on. Of course, I panicked about this. I asked if ‘moving on’ meant a divorce. He assured that for now he did not mean that. But he was very careful to make it clear that he did not know what the future would bring. He said that, for now, he is content to live alone. I don’t know what to do with all this. His insistence that he misses me doesn’t seem all that genuine at this point. If he really missed me, would he really want to ‘move on’? Is he saying that he misses me to make me feel better?
That is almost impossible to answer. I have met and dialogued with many separated men (including my own husband). Honestly, your feelings and desires can be all over the place. One day they may feel affectionate and nostalgic for their wives and the next day they want to avoid her. They may miss their wives desperately, but still feel like they need to continue the separation to see where it leads.
Why this conversation feels so important: I think most of us are very desperate for these answers because we want to know where it leaves us. In my own case, during my own separation, I constantly wanted to know what my husband was thinking and feeling because she wanted to know how much longer she would have to live alone. I suspect the same is true for you. What I learned was that the more I pressed my husband about this, the less he made immediate plans to come home. Your husband may be giving you the ‘move on’ line right now because he’s trying not to pressure you about how much he misses you and where he wants to go from here.
I know this is a bitter pill to swallow. I struggled with that too. But as soon as I understood how damaging pressure can be, things changed for me. I decided that I would lower the pressure and focus on my own life for a while. I didn’t go out with other people. I never wanted that. I still consider myself married. But since I had no idea what tomorrow would bring, I decided to stop putting my life on hold. I went out with friends. Take classes. I read very dense books. I still kept in touch with my husband and it was still clear that she was engaged. But it wasn’t bothering him all the time anymore.
After he spent a little time with this new plan, things changed. My husband approached me. I think once the pressure was off he allowed himself to embrace the feelings he had for me, whereas before he felt the need to keep me at a distance because he feared I was going to push for a reconciliation that he wasn’t sure yet. Due to this change, we finally reconciled.
Where am I going with this? I’m just throwing it in case the “go ahead” comment is intended to make you stop pushing. I would suggest dialing it back and see what happens. What do you have to lose? You have been in close contact. She admitted that she misses you. And you have been communicating well and regularly. I would continue down this path and reduce all pressure to make her feelings and intentions clear to me, at least for a while.
