When you are separated, communication with your spouse can be very confusing. After all, when you were living together and your marriage was on the right track, you probably never had to think about when or how you would communicate. If your husband was in the room and you needed or wanted to talk to him, he would just start a conversation. If they weren’t physically together and had something to say, they would text or call him, whichever was most appropriate at the time.

But when you are separated, things are not as easy as all this. Many people have had awkward, tense, or frustrated conversations during their breakup. In fact, when to speak, whether to speak, or what to say is one of the most confusing topics you may encounter during your separation. Add in fear or rejection, and it’s very normal to be afraid of messing it up. It may leave you wondering if you should try (or be receptive to) communication.

Here’s a typical situation. A wife might say, “When my husband and I were separated for the first time, I honestly assumed that we would see each other every day. Frankly, when I picked up the phone to call him, I did not hesitate. Looking back, I should have hesitated a bit because clearly not He was happy to hear from me. Things got so bad that sometimes he didn’t reply at all. And then he started ignoring my text messages. I’m a stubborn person though, so I kept trying. This really made me sad because I felt so vulnerable and rejected, having to be the one always calling. So I stopped calling and reaching out. It hurt to do this. But it hurt less than trying to communicate and being continually rejected. It continued for about six weeks. And then, Suddenly last weekend my husband started calling. He was not at home the first time it happened and he left a message saying that it had been a long time since he heard my voice and he wants to see what I am like. I thought. That maybe he just felt guilty, so I let go. But he called again and has been calling sporadically ever since. So far, I have let calls go to voicemail and text messages have not been answered. I know he’s petty, but I feel like he deserves it. Some friends of mine say I’m taking it too far They are right? Should I answer when you call me? Or will ignoring him make him want to talk to me even more? “

I completely understand how you feel. I felt the same way. I was so frustrated that I was the only one who cared about our separation that I finally left for a while. Afterwards, my husband finally agreed to the program and then I had to make a decision.

Things to considerHere’s a consideration that really helped. I could see my own actions. I was so deflated by calling and getting no answer that I finally left. After a while, I gave up. Well now my husband was in the same situation. Could I really expect him to keep calling when I didn’t? And did he really want me to stop trying?

The answer was absolutely no. Think about it. If you have two people trying to prove a point, you can end up with two people who never reconnect. If you don’t end the stagnation, it can become permanent. This may be fine if your marriage is no longer important to you. But if so, not talking for long periods of time can be a big risk. Things tend to get more and more awkward and it can be harder to backtrack the longer silence is present.

Commitment can be key and can allow both of you to get what you want: After thinking about this a bit and the silence eating away at me, I decided that a compromise was necessary. At the beginning of my breakup, I clearly overdid things. I was ready to jump the instant my husband snapped his fingers and this did nothing to encourage him to be respectful and trustworthy.

So it wasn’t a bad idea not to be available sometimes each and every time he called. But it was a bad idea to NEVER talk to him. So I started talking and texting. But, because I started to create a balance and didn’t act so desperate, things got better. I don’t think you have to jump to answer the phone each and every time.

But if you want to save your marriage, you should answer it most of the time or most of the time. Because if you are going to reconcile, you need to communicate. They should feel comfortable with each other again. You need to restore trust, laugh again, and start restoring some of that intimacy.

None of this will be possible if you never communicate. Also, restoring communication is often the first step in starting dating again. It is difficult for one thing to exist without the other.

So while I fully understand why you might want to let the phone ring and text messages go unanswered, I don’t think you want to do this indefinitely. Now it’s getting closer to you, which is exactly what you wanted. But there is a point where you can take things too far. Consider seeing what he has to say. See how things are going. And if you feel taken for granted, you can always take a step back. But he is your husband. And he’s getting closer to you. If your marriage is still important to you, I think it will be worth seeing what you have to say.