I receive a lot of correspondence from wives who describe their relationship with their husband as “roommates” or “brothers.” Usually, they will use phrases like: “we just coexist, but there is no longer a loving behavior.” Another common phrase goes something like: “He doesn’t look at me like a man who loves a woman. He looks right through me and acts a bit annoyed at my presence. He gives his friends more time and attention than he does. “. wife. “Or,” We are not rude or angry at each other, but the relationship is like between a brother, sister, or other family member rather than people who are husband and wife.
Generally, this correspondence shares the same theme. Intimacy and closeness have been replaced by familiarity and complacency. This is not entirely unusual and it does not mean that they no longer love each other or that the passion and spark are gone forever. What it generally means is that there have been some changes in the way time is spent and priorities are set. Sometimes this is more a reflection of social norms and pressures than how you feel about your spouse. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Losing your passion in a marriage doesn’t necessarily mean that the underlying feelings are gone: People very often make these false assumptions and allow this to perpetuate what might otherwise have been just a losing streak in the marriage that passed relatively quickly. People sometimes panic when this change comes and assume that their spouse no longer finds them attractive or lovable. This is often totally inaccurate.
In fact, often all that is needed is to change the way your marital time is spent and rearrange your priorities to nurture and intensify the relationship (similar to how you did at the beginning of the relationship). the time and effort that was being put into them. What is often required is to change the behavior that is giving you what you do not want to the behavior that is more likely to give you what you want (even if that means that you are the one who makes the efforts in the beginning).
How Lack of Marital Time and Concentrated Efforts Negatively Contribute to “The Spark” Leaving Your Marriage: Often times when I ask people what they think is behind the chemistry or “spark” that leaves their marriage, I get very similar answers, no matter which spouse is giving those answers. Usually they both say things like “we grew apart,” or “one of us has changed,” or “the feelings are just gone from our marriage.” And all of these things can feel absolutely true. But it is very important to understand that there is a reason for these truths and that circumstances can change to change the outcome.
You may start by wondering how much time is spent each week strengthening the relationship. I don’t mean sitting next to each other and watching the evening news or attending your children’s activity together. Sure, these things are a part of married life (especially with busy parents), but they do nothing to reinforce those intimate feelings. What I’m talking about is the things that put a big smile on your face as you headed towards marriage. These are the things that reinforce the feelings that you probably still have.
People are often not able to see that the feelings between two people are very often the direct result of BOTH the quality and quantity of the efforts that are put into it. It is not enough to say “well, we are together all the time, but we are sitting next to each other”. You have to be very active about it. The truth is, it is highly unrealistic to think that you can just live peacefully in your marriage, and yet almost all of us do and then scratch our heads and act very disappointed when feelings inevitably follow lack of effort.
Sometimes you will need to be the initiating spouse if you want to regain passion in your marriage: This is what I see happening a bit. Many people know that they have to change things to get different and more favorable results. But, they may try something and feel rejected or feel vulnerable and then they will shut down because they feel rejected. They will start asking questions like “well why do I have to expose myself when he’s sitting there like a lump on a log?”
The answer is that you have to do it because if you don’t, then it is possible that no one will and the distance between you will continue to separate further and further. It is much better to act now, even if you feel strange, vulnerable, and scary to avoid further damage. And you may have to accept that it will take a while before you get the results you want.
You don’t have to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or seems unpleasant. Just start by bringing back some of the activities you used to enjoy together. Take your focus away from things that are not so important to your quality of life and spend the resulting free time on your marriage. This can mean simple, inexpensive things like taking a walk after dinner or making time to really talk and listen. It can mean picking up hobbies that used to bring them closer and that they gave up a long time ago. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or take tons of time. It just has to be nice and create a feeling of partnership.
Many people assume that a lack of passion is solely due to attraction and chemistry. This is only partially true. If you feel close and attached to your spouse, passionate feelings will follow naturally. Your brain is as much a part of passion as are other parts of your body. Not everything is sex. It’s as much about feeling loved, feeling understood, and feeling valuable enough to make and receive a decent effort.
