I often hear of wives who are trying to deal with two frustrations simultaneously. First, they are devastated that her husband has admitted to being unfaithful. And second, they are beside themselves because it won’t reveal who you’ve been cheating with.
I heard a wife say: “My husband finally admitted that he had been cheating on me. I suspected it the whole time. He has not returned home on time. He has been receiving many private phone calls and text messages. He has been distant and cold to me. . He has not shown any interest in me sexually for a while. I have repeatedly accused him of cheating and he has always denied it. However, last night he finally broke down and admitted that he had been unfaithful. Cheating but had stopped cheating. Yes that’s not devastating enough, he won’t reveal who he’s been cheating with. He says who she was doesn’t matter because she’s out of his life now. He says he wants to move on with our marriage and leave this behind. How can I even begin to to do that when he doesn’t even tell me who she is? Why would she hide this from me? “I will discuss these issues (and try to answer your questions) in the next article.
Possible reasons why your husband won’t tell you who he cheated on: There are several reasons why the husband will want to keep the identity of the other woman a secret. Sometimes the husband knows that his knowledge of her identity will make him tempted to think about her or become obsessed with her and thus make it more difficult for him to move on. Many men worry that the second she gives you her name, you will immediately go to Google her or find her on Facebook and then contact her to get her side of the story or to confront her. Many husbands want to avoid this at all costs.
Another possibility is that their identity is particularly annoying to you. It is common for her to be a friend, colleague, neighbor, coworker, acquaintance or even family member. If it’s someone you know, then you may feel doubly betrayed. I’m not saying that any of these examples are valid reasons for hiding your identity from you. I’m just trying to share what might be behind your thought process to help you come up with a plan or strategy.
How to handle it when your husband doesn’t tell you the other woman’s name: I think you have a right to this information. If you are going to try to save your marriage, then you need to be fully aware of what (and who) you are dealing with. You can’t do that if you leave some pieces of the puzzle behind. He may be reluctant to give you his identity out of fear. But there will be a lot of difficult conversations in the next few days, and you have to struggle with it anyway. He needs to understand that if he is serious and sincere about moving forward with you, he must be frank without exception.
To communicate this, a suggested conversation should go something like: “I understand that you might be reluctant to my reaction to his identity, but that is a risk you will have to take because I cannot assess our situation without having all the information. I need to know everything. including details about who she was, where you met her, the nature of the relationship, and how long it lasted. And that’s just for starters. In order for us to begin to heal, you will need to show me that you are willing to be honest and forthcoming about everything. I will do my best to work with you, but you will have to do much better than this. I can’t even begin to think about our healing or what I want to do to move on until I have all the information. When you are ready to provide that to me, please let me know. Until then, we really don’t have much to talk about. You say it’s over with her and you want to move on. I can’t start doing that. Until you’re completely honest with me. or “.
I can’t promise you that these words will suddenly make you speak, but they will certainly give you something to think about. Some husbands will try to wait for their wives to leave. They will just sit back and see if the wife will eventually drop the other woman’s issue. They hope they can please you in some other way. Whether you allow it or not is up to you. But I think his identity is information you need to know. Of course, there are a number of ways you can find that information yourself, but it’s much better if you tell yourself.
That is not to say that your identity is completely vital to your recovery. Infidelity is devastating no matter who the other person is. But many women find it particularly difficult if they know or care about the other woman personally. Others want to know if she is younger, prettier, or what made her husband risk their marriage.
And this is where you could hit a slippery slope. While I agree that you deserve to know who she is, I caution you not to become obsessed with her once you get this information. It’s understandable wanting to know as much as possible about the cheat (and this includes information about it). But some wives get the basic information they have asked for and find that it is not enough. Then they will go further and inquire about her, confront her, and then continue to think about her or insist on her.
Often times, this is not the best for you. Whether you want to save your marriage or not, the focus should be on your healing and your ability to move on. If you worry too much about her, you will frustrate your ability to do that. However, this is not even possible if you don’t know who she is.