Battered women blame themselves for many things. That is the inevitable consequence of domestic violence. In this article we will focus on only one aspect of domestic violence; that is mental, emotional abuse. Generally, the things that women who have experienced domestic violence blame themselves for fall into one of two categories: the things that aren’t their fault, and the things that aren’t important in the grand scheme of things. .

Things that are not your fault include:

• Make a mess of individual situations. The outbursts of their partners are always, somehow, his fault.
• Spoil the relationship. (Actually, they are the ones trying to hold it together.)
• be stupid (They are not, though they will honor the unfortunate choice to love a man who is not worthy of them.)
• Being too old, or too young. (They’re the age they are. It takes a special kind of idiot to turn around one day and tell someone who’s 21, 41, or 71, that they’re suddenly unacceptable.
• Be ugly. (Living a life of ugliness is enough to make anyone feel ugly, but the ugliness is in the abusive man’s eyes, not his partner’s.)
• Not being good enough. (Good enough for who, for God’s sake? And how did that happen? The abusive man make a mistake in selecting his wife in the first place? Or do you operate a sliding scale?)
• Being unsuccessful as women. (That’s what they’re told. What it means is that they’re not the perfect cross between a slave girl and a supermodel. Not that their partner is the spitting image of George Clooney! But that doesn’t count.)

Things that are not important include:

• His weight. (It’s perfectly possible to be overweight, underweight, or the perfect weight and be loved. But not by an abusive man, because they make an art of finding fault with everything about you.)
• Your past mistakes. (They are in the past, after all. Fortunately, abusive men know that they will never be judged for their mistakes.)
• Their education.
• Her family – because an abusive woman is not responsible for her family of origin.

The mistakes that battered women make have nothing to do with the alleged crimes that their partners reproach them for. These errors are errors in judgment that battered women unconsciously make and cause them enormous suffering.

the 7 mistakes

1) Turn a blind eye to his first unacceptable tantrums. You say you do it because you love it. He interprets your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you’ve given him clear proof that you’re a doormat.

2) Trying again and again make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either by word or action, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that they don’t value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering her her mission statement. Time to head for the hills.

3) Make excuses for him. Why would you feel compelled to improve his behavior when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to continue behaving as badly, or worse, than in the past.

4) Feeling responsible for him. The time comes when you say; I’ve had enough. It’s over. He has foreseen that day, and he is ready. He turns on the crocodile tears. He tells you that he can’t live without you. He has needed this for him to find out how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he needs you to help him. You agree, and he’s back on track. Once again, he has you to carry him. Will he change? No.

5) Minimize. He behaves like a scoundrel, and you know it. But you tell yourself: “he had a difficult childhood.” “He has had difficulties at work, or he is out of work.” “It’s just the drink talking.” Bad behavior is still bad behavior. He has no right to turn on you, until you let him.

6) Cover up. Your relationship is awful. But you don’t want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That is collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because everything will be behind closed doors. In fact, while you’re playing Loyal Little Woman, he may be spraying poison all over you. If you change your tune, who do you think they’ll believe?

7) Believing in fairy tales. Of course, you do not consciously believe in fairy tales: you are an adult woman, not a girl, after all. But subconsciously, you’re still stuck acting out Beauty and the Beast. I don’t know if you put the Fair Prince or the Beast before. I know who you live with. That rose has dropped every last petal, the only time she dances the crockery and cutlery is when she gets angry, and the Beast is still the Beast. That is all it will be. It’s time to be real. And, if any other naive woman wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to note: In the real world, when you first get together with someone, they’re on their best behavior, wearing their most attractive mask. With abusers, it’s all one way from there: downhill. The behavior degenerates, the mask falls, the result is a whole lot of misery for you. Period.

The real mistakes women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with failures or shortcomings. It’s about being too willing to keep believing the best of someone who tries so hard to show you what a jerk they are. Abusive men don’t give you too many gifts. Showing yourself how unpleasant and insensitive they can be is the best gift you can have in a bad situation. Accept it graciously, before your abusive partner continues to punch you in the face. And move on.

One thing you are never told in fairy tales is that the fair maiden doesn’t really need a man to be happy. she alone think she does. But when she learns to be truly happy by herself and by herself, she will attract a much better kind of man than a Beast/Prince.