Without a doubt, the most valuable and practical thing I have learned about the psychology of relationships and how to make them work came about 12 months ago when I was introduced to Transactional Analysis. I am suggesting that if you study this and acquire the skill you cannot fail to improve your most emotional relationships.
Now, imagine that you are in a conflict situation with someone you love, or on the contrary, with someone you can’t stand. It is an emotional situation; both are at a fever pitch. Who’s giving in? No one does in this kind of situation. And that is the problem. You usually never get anywhere in an emotionally charged atmosphere. At least one person loses, and sometimes both parties lose.
That is the point of Transactional Analysis. It’s just understanding the basics of “adult” behavior versus “child” behavior. However, be clear about this; the terms “adult” and “child” have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s age. Is about maturity. Have you ever noticed a 14-year-old boy who seems more mature and down-to-earth than a 60-year-old? Happens.
The fundamental principle is this: when you choose communicate only via “adult” communication mode, no matter how the other person communicates, force maturity in the dialogue, although with full respect for the other party. Typically, an emotional conversation sees both parties as “parents” of the other’s “child’s side”: the injured child in each of us. Done this way, they both resent each other because no one appreciates being “raised by parents”, particularly adults. It becomes a vicious cycle where they both take turns being parents, only to be offended by the other because they are treated like children.
The “adult” way of communicating and acting, on the other hand, is represented by behavior that is realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical. This means you won’t get everything your way, but you will be able to keep a discussion on track and you will be able to negotiate a win-win outcome in most if not all situations. When the other party sees you behave this way, respectfully, they can’t help but reciprocate because all defenses are down. Both parties should be able to achieve what is important to them, to the extent possible, and still find a compromise position for the other.
I advise young people to do this with their parents, particularly when the parents get emotional and want to assert their authority in an authoritative (non-authoritative) way. They should accept it and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical. In fact, they will influence their parents through basic respect, weakening the emotional mood. Of course, this is how parents should treat their young children as well, especially when teens appear to command respect, even when (by virtue of their behavior) they really don’t deserve it. It is wise for both parties to behave in this way, not only for the sake of the relationship, but also for their own inner peace and sanity. There’s just no need for all the stress.
The truth is this: no adult acts like an adult all the time, all adults behave like children sometimes. And while it’s hard for teens to behave like adults, it’s not impossible. Respect goes a long way, and my experience suggests that consistent respectful parenting works wonders.
It’s the same with work relationships. If you feel your blood start to boil or your heart pound with adrenaline when a particular person approaches you, go for it and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical, no matter how they interact with you. Be constant and don’t give up. Over days, weeks, and months of this non-reactive behavior, you will eventually see a change in the way this person interacts with you. You may be being bullied or harassed, but you can regain some control and power simply by being more of an “adult.” It is very enriching information and a great skill to develop.
It takes courage to try, reject your feelings instead of staying in control of your emotions and protect your ability to think effectively, and it also takes persistence to master it. Really mastering it takes years, but you don’t have time to waste getting started.
The following is standard advice that I would give to a teenager trying to implement this better way of relating to parents
About mistakes and forgiveness…
© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.
