One of the main concerns parents have as their children grow up is whether or not their children will be good friends. Parents recognize from their own experience that friends can have such a powerful influence on their children, for better or for worse. Because of this influence, some parents fall into the trap of trying to control who their children can have as friends. Once parents enter a control battle over who they will allow their children to be friends with, parents have waged an unwinnable war that generally creates victims on both sides and leaves the parent-child relationship strained if not broken. .

Many of us know parents who have waged this war only to find that it fuels their children’s desire to spend time with the children that parents care about the most. These parents tell their children, “I don’t want you to date that kid. I don’t think he’s a good influence on you,” or “why don’t you make best friends? It just gets you in trouble.”

When parents question or criticize their children’s ability to choose good friends, the message they send to their children is: “You have poor judgment and wrong thinking if you choose those children as your friends” or “You cannot make good decisions in the world. yours, so you’ll probably follow what others are doing and get in trouble. “

Why do good, healthy children from stable homes make friends with wild children? Children sometimes choose to befriend those who walk on the wild side because they want adventure and excitement, and wild children create adventure and excitement. Just because our children befriend children who walk on the wild side does not necessarily mean that they will become like them; especially if we have given them the opportunity to make many mistakes and, with sadness and empathy, we have allowed them to feel the consequences of those mistakes.

Although parents can be very anxious about the choice of friends their children make, parents can do a lot to help their children learn to make good decisions about friends and what to do with them. As parents take advantage of opportunities to teach their children, rather than restrict them, their children will be better prepared for when they undertake and navigate into the real world.

Here are some tips that parents can consider if they feel that their children are starting to make “the wrong kind of friends”:

– Parents can refrain from calling their children’s friends “bad”. Since most people are not all bad, parents tend to lose credibility with their children by calling their child’s friend “bad”, especially if that friend has ever done something nice for their child.

– Parents can ask their children what they like about that specific friend. This will not only show your child that you are interested in him or her and their friends, but it will also give parents information about the need that the relationship with that friend is meeting for their child. So parents could do things to help see that need is met in a positive way. Open and non-judgmental communication with children about their friends can strengthen parent-child relationships and provide support for your children as they learn to take responsibility for their own decisions.

– Parents can send messages to their children that show confidence and leadership by saying things like, “Looks like that child could use some good friends. I hope many of you will catch it. He is lucky to have a friend like you.” . I think it would be useful to know him; Why don’t you bring it around the house more?

– Finally, parents can hug the child in question and help him feel included and with a sense of belonging. Many of the children who care about their parents may not come from stable homes or have a sense of belonging or connection. Healthy adults have a great opportunity to reach out to these children and help them feel that they do matter and belong. They can do this by inviting these children to participate in family events or simply by inviting them to eat with the family. Good food can have a powerful and comforting effect on children who lack stability.

In summary, while parents may not be able to effectively control who their children choose as friends, parents do have a lot of influence in building good relationships with their children’s friends (even scary ones). As parents show confidence in their children’s ability to make good decisions with their friends and then lead their friends into the arms of the family, parents can have a great influence on the relationships and situations in which they become involved. their children.

Thank you for reading.

Shiloh Lundahl, LCSW