There are many articles that cover the mechanics of writing love letters, such as the eight rules for personal love letters or writing to express your love and admiration during cherished moments. But one question lies beneath the actual writing: “How do I write a positive, loving letter to my wife?”
Before I share three points of awareness that I’ve come to realize, let’s explore the major current influences and thinking on marriage that can affect our beliefs. Let me rephrase the second half of the last sentence. Let’s examine some of the prevalent ways we think about marriage that can affect how we view our spouses.
We live in a modern society and times that are heavily influenced by the mainstream media. While each of us has the power to make our own decisions, it’s easy to get carried away with groupthink that plants weeds against marriage, the role of a husband, and what makes for a long-lasting, intimate friendship.
The predominant media influence is television. In the United States, movies, sitcoms, and reality shows attract very large audiences. Whether we personally watch these shows or not, friends regularly talk about what happened on the “show.” Many of these shows dismiss how spouses contribute to a marital relationship and play dogfighting in a marriage for the sake of funny humor. There are even prime-time cartoon shows that make fun of the embattled, selfish husband who has to cover up his scheming to keep his wife from finding out about her affairs, whatever they may be.
The second powerful media influence is popular print publications, such as newspapers, tabloids, and “relationship” journals. Headlines scream throughout our waking moments to sell copies about jaw-dropping revelations of celebrity divorces, breakups, affairs, and more. To those who devour these stories, one’s thought is that this is how marriage is supposed to be. So what do these two situations have to do with husbands writing a positive and loving letter to their wives?
At the beginning of the 20th century, James Allen wrote a very small book, “How a Man Thinks”. Mr. Allen posited the verifiable truth, “we become what we think about.” If we husbands allow our thinking to become absorbed by the mainstream media messages about husband and wife, it will be very difficult to write a positive and loving letter. The answer is to avoid the negative and create a positive environment that supports uplifting thinking and inspiring values. Where can we look to do that?
First, we need to locate and participate in a network of loving, happily married couples. This could be a marriage support group or enrichment program at church, a Marriage Encounter weekend or an ongoing discussion group, neighbors or families where marriage is revered.
Second, we need to observe our own thoughts. Absorb praiseworthy thoughts about marriage and about our wives. This can involve happy times in marriage and reflect on the traits we most admire in our wives. On the action side, making plans to do more activities together reinforces positive thinking. In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottmann describes a seven-week course on caring and admiration.
For five days a week, a husband considers a positive thought about his wife and then carries it out. When I took this course for my wife, I took the exercise to another level by creating cards for each day and then writing a note to my wife that I gave her. Doing that really put my money on the table when I shared my thoughts with her. I declared my intent and was being responsible at the same time. The exercise came at the right time, when my wife’s mother was admitted to a nursing home and our young daughter was struggling with a health problem. My wife was overwhelmed by her outpouring of support and personal affirmation. She made a real improvement in the way she consciously communicated with my wife.
Thirdly, the ability of a husband to write words of love to his wife depends on the vocabulary. It is a well known fact that women are more skilled in relationships than men. Men need to take acting lessons before they can star in emotional intelligence theater. One way to develop a love language is to take time to read love poems, greeting cards, and samples of other love letters. It is perfectly acceptable for a husband to ask his wife what she would like her to write for him. If he can convey her own feelings of caring and admiration, a husband can write a positive and loving letter that will have a powerful impact.
