Some narcissists are obviously obnoxious, offensive, and opinionated. Others, however, present themselves as attractive, friendly and calm people. It is not until a direct confrontation occurs that his narcissism becomes obvious.

Work up the courage to tell him (or her) that he (or she) is being self-centered and that you will continue to do what you were doing as if he hadn’t said anything at all or he will be furious. “Me? Me? Egocentric? How do you think that makes ME feel?”

Although not all narcissists are cut from the same cloth, they do have many traits in common. These are the most typical:

1. Narcissists find it difficult (if not impossible) to truly appreciate the validity of another person’s point of view. They imagine that others think and feel the same way they do. And if they don’t, something is wrong with them.

2. Narcissists need constant validation from the outside. Admire and respect them and they do well. Find them and be careful! Grandiose narcissists will strike back venomously; closet narcissists will cower back in their cave.

3. Narcissists often put on a façade based on impressive and admirable traits. What’s wrong with that? Nothing, if it weren’t a simple window display. Your façade self is false, covering up a real self that is insecure and vulnerable.

4. Narcissists see others as extensions of themselves. The narcissist sets the standards for behavior and does not tolerate opposition, especially if your point of view requires them to respond in ways they do not want.

5. Narcissists believe they are entitled to special treatment. Whether it’s a “stupid” law or a “dumb” lawsuit, narcissists feel they shouldn’t go along with the pack. They believe they have a higher status; so why adapt just to please someone else?

6. Narcissists use money to feel special. Status items like expensive clothes, cars, houses, dinners, and trips are essential ways a narcissist enhances her ego. Spending money, if you have it, is one thing; spending money, if you don’t have it, is another. Regardless, a narcissist believes that they deserve the best. And he easily fools himself into believing that the money will be there in the future, even if it isn’t there now.

7. Narcissists can pretend to be generous by giving large tips or paying the bills. However, look closely and you’ll see that their generosity is based on establishing a reputation for themselves as VIPs.

If you find out you’re living with a narcissist, what can you do to make their life easier? keep reading

It may seem strange to say “find out” that you are living with a narcissist, but it is true. Many people don’t realize that their partner (or parent or adult child) is a narcissist, only to find out after a long time. Why isn’t it obvious from the start?

Two reasons:

1. Narcissists are great masters of disguise, they describe their behavior in the best terms (ie I only do it for you!). Therefore, it may take a while for you to “get” what is really going on.

2. Although narcissism gets a bad rap (egocentric, selfish), narcissists also have positive traits. In fact, they can be quite charismatic and charming. Therefore, it can be hard to believe that narcissism is driving your behavior.

Once you recognize that you are living with a narcissist, here are 7 valuable tips for you to maintain your sanity and self-esteem.

1. Know what you will tolerate and what you will not

Trust your own judgement. If he (or she) is spending recklessly, know what he (or she) will and won’t tolerate. That doesn’t mean all spending should be done your way (unless it’s 2 narcissists fighting). But it does mean that you don’t tolerate the narcissist’s explanation of free spending (ie, you only live once). And you take the necessary steps (whether you like it or not) to protect your financial future.

2. Boost your own self-esteem

Don’t expect your narcissist to boost your self-esteem when you just helped bring her down. That is something you must do for yourself. Spend more time with people who think highly of you. Engage in pleasurable activities that boost your ego. Be kind to yourself.

3. Know when you are being ‘gassed’.

When your narcissist says something, then denies saying it or claims to have said something different, you may begin to doubt your own sanity. were you listening were you dreaming She’s crazy? I’m crazy? What’s going on here? Your narcissist may be maliciously doing this to throw you off balance. Or he may simply be responding to her need of the moment, forgetting what she said earlier.

4. Develop a positive support system

It can be difficult to be honest with others. You may feel embarrassed, especially if you have been covering for your narcissist for so long. However, find out if there is a trusted friend or family member with whom you can share what is really going on. Also, consider seeking the help of a professional who can provide objective feedback.

5. Do not tolerate demeaning emotional outbursts

Sometimes they will be upset with each other and need to vent. But the “how” one lets off steam is vital. If they speak to you with disdain and disrespect, stop the action. Ask the problem, HOW they are treating it. Express your disappointment. Demand an apology. And if you must, walk away, letting it be known that you’ll be happy to pick up where you left off when treated with respect.

6. Learn Negotiation Skills

Just because your narcissist wants something doesn’t mean they need to get it. The fact that she expresses herself strongly, does not mean that you give in. Everything is negotiable. You just need to know where your power is. So you need to pass it on and enforce it. Negotiation skills will empower you in many areas of life, today and in the future.

7. Accept that you are not going to do a total makeover of your narcissist’s personality. You shouldn’t want to either. If your relationship is that bad, consider breaking up. But, if there are redeeming traits, see if you can work together to create “family rules” of acceptable behavior.

Living with a narcissist is not easy. But putting these 7 rules into practice will make things more manageable.