Sometimes even successful women give up their own identities and gradually accept that their boyfriends control their lives. These women give up their independence and become willing victims. A mild example was described by Dr. Irene S. Levine in the Huffington Post of her. Bullying can start immediately, but there is usually a step-by-step process of pushing the boundaries and giving in. The bully’s bullying is relentless, no incident is worth a big fight and if she refuses to do what he wants she is wrong and he becomes more abusive or threatens to leave.

What happens in a more extreme case, and what can these women do to stay away from these men?

When Kate puts Carl on the job, he succeeded with his own goals, place, money, car, and an active social life. At first, Carl was very charming and trusting, and they became good friends. Kate says that it was two peas in a pod. How wrong was she!

After they moved in together, Carl changed. He knew that Kate had tattoos on her arms, but after they became a couple, she said that she needed to wear long sleeves when she was with him. He wouldn’t be linked to a person with tattoos. Kate thought she was a jerk. She now thinks he should have said goodbye right then and there, but she did as she told her. After all, she thought, it was just a little thing.

Carl wanted to move to a new city to start his own business. Kate was reluctant because she would have to give up her job too, but Carl insisted. Before they lived together, Kate was a member of three co-ed gyms, but in the new town, Carl insisted that she go to a women-only gym. He relented because she didn’t want the headache of disagreeing with him, but she still felt like she was the one making all the changes.

There were many more areas that Kate willingly let Carl control. After a while, she realized that she:

• I would sit in my home office six to ten hours a day working for Carl.
• He sold it because in order to get the one he wanted, in his name.
• He was never allowed to talk or go out with his friends.
• He had a credit card that he could only use for household purchases, which Carl controlled.
• She cooked, cleaned and took care of the dogs.
• He was 20 pounds overweight and broke: he only gave him enough for household purchases and his wanderings.

Carl was always in a bad mood and yelled at her all the time. Everything she did infuriated him. He said that her bad mood was because he was stressed and she wasn’t helpful enough, so he had to put up with them. He did not communicate with her; he just exploded with her. He never said that she was sorry; he acted like it didn’t matter.

Kate finally realized that she had become his slave! She eventually understood the inside of her. “What is the price of tolerating bullies? Slow erosion of your soul.”

Looking back, he realized that bullies and control freaks don’t take your kindness, level headedness, and tolerance as decent behavior that they should reciprocate. They take it as an invitation to grab more. They don’t stop until they have it all, never, or until they get bored.

There’s no point going into a big analysis of why Kate did what she did. Her tasks were to forget about trying to change him and to stop listening and coddling him. She had to leave as soon as she could, find allies and supporters where she lived, hit co-ed gyms and lose weight, and get back to a lucrative job. She also needed a coach to bolster her determination, her perseverance and resilience, and to plan effective tactics.

At first, he had been independent and could have left, but he didn’t. He had to fight a lot to get out of the hole he found himself in, but it was worth the rest of his life to be independent again.