I recently heard from a wife who confided in me that whenever she and her husband disagreed or went through a rough patch in their marriage, the husband would pull out what the wife called the “leave card.” She told me, “Whenever the going gets tough, my husband says he’s going to leave. He’s packed before, but he’s never really left. Still, this hurts and I’m getting tired. How I can make him. Do you see how old these threats are getting? At the same time, I’m afraid someday soon, he’ll actually move on and walk out the door. I’m not sure what to do or how to handle this.”

This type of correspondence is not so uncommon. I hear many comments like this. And I can absolutely identify with these wives. This is a very difficult position to be in. It’s hard to move forward and improve things with the constant threat of it hanging over your head. You may start to feel like you are walking on eggshells or that you have to edit or contain yourself in some way. Therefore, it is highly recommended to consider being proactive and address this before things deteriorate further. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

Ask him to stop constantly making threats to leave you and the marriage: It is true that I do not personally know this couple. But, from the little the wife told me, two immediate facts jumped out and seemed more important to me. First, despite her husband’s repeated threats, she had not left. She was still there, repeating the same old things. This tells us that he is not 100% committed to leaving or that he has not yet reached the breaking point or the place where it is feasible or comfortable to move on.

The second thing that was important was that the husband kept repeating the threats. Now the wife was very frustrated with this, but one possibility was that the husband was repeating or speeding up his words because nothing was changing or improving and this was the only way he knew of to try to get the response he wanted. Sometimes people keep repeating the same patterns out of frustration. And sometimes they do it because they don’t know any other way.

But whatever the reason for this negative cycle, I felt that the wife could gain some ground if she approached this issue with openness and empathy. It was going to be very difficult for the two of them to be on the same page when he kept withdrawing. So the next time he started the “I’m leaving you” talk, I felt like the wife should have asked him to sit down and talk about it for a minute.

With a pause in the action, the wife might consider telling the husband that they both knew this was a path they had traveled many times before. And yet, nothing was really changing, except that they were both getting frustrated with the same old course of events that never brought the result that either of them really wanted. I suggested that the wife offer to make a deal with her husband. She would genuinely listen to why he felt this way and would make a very honest effort to address and make things better if he would stop threatening to leave her whenever the going got tough.

Understand the opportunity that has presented itself and take positive action to stop this cycle: I understood why the wife was doubtful that she was in such a good position, but I had to admit that there were some advantages to it. Almost daily, I hear from wives who have been served with divorce papers or who have come to an empty house and missed a husband (because he left) seemingly without warning. These women would have loved a warning period and a chance to set things right before this action was taken.

So while the wife was tired of all this, she had to admit that she still had a chance to make things better and save the marriage. This was a plus, as was the fact that, despite all her empty words and posturing, the husband was still there. Clearly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to leave, but he was sure he wanted a change that he wasn’t getting, which is why this cycle kept repeating itself.

Once the wife was able to see this, she was willing to approach things differently. But, before she jumped in wanting to make drastic changes, I told her that it would be a good idea to focus on reconnecting. There was a lot of underlying resentment and anger and I felt that the changes and efforts might not last if they tried to work things out while both people were still a bit lukewarm with each other.

Do you remember when you were together for the first time and your problems were always small disputes that passed quickly? This is because they were deeply connected and didn’t want to let anything derail that process. Sure, things change and people mature. But often, you’ll find that if you can get to a place where you feel true affection and empathy for your spouse, solving the remaining issues becomes much easier, and you’re much less likely to continue to listen to threats that neither of you have a partner. of you are hearing more anyway.