I recently heard from a wife who still didn’t know what her husband meant during a recent conversation. Basically, her husband had sat her down and told her that her feelings for her had “changed.” Of course, her wife’s immediate reaction was to ask her to define what exactly she meant by this. She wanted to know things like: did that mean he didn’t love her anymore? Did this mean that he was no longer in love with her? Did this mean that he didn’t want to get married or that he wanted to divorce her?

Unfortunately, the husband did not respond directly to these questions and seemed somewhat annoyed that the wife was asking him. He pretty much gave her very vague answers and kept insisting that he just wanted her to be “aware” that her feelings were changing and that this worried him.

The wife wasn’t sure how she was supposed to take this or what she was supposed to do with this information. And she, frankly, she was a little angry that the husband could drop this kind of bombshell and then shut up and not give her more information. In the next article, I’ll discuss my take on this and tell you what husbands sometimes mean when they tell you that their feelings for you have “changed.”

Try to see this as a call to action rather than an insult: I understand that wives in this situation might be putting most of their attention on their husbands’ callousness in saying such things. Many wives are angry that he even brings this up if she isn’t going to define it or tell him what she can do to change it. This is absolutely understandable. Without a doubt, it is a very frustrating situation and you have the right to have a strong reaction.

However, sometimes it helps if you can take a step back and realize that this can be an advantage. In a way, her husband is giving her a call to action that many women wish they had received. I get a lot of emails from wives whose husbands never gave them this kind of warning and who walked out the door, filed for divorce papers or asked for a separation, and only later told the wife about her changing feelings.

So as painful and frustrating as it may be, give yourself the benefit of trying to focus on anything positive you can find right now. And one of those positives could be that if you want to change things, you probably still have the time and the ability to do so.

Sometimes when husbands say that their feelings for you have changed, they don’t realize that their feelings about their life (or their place in the world) have also changed: It is very common for people (and not just husbands or men) to project into their marriage issues that revolve around other areas of their lives. In other words, maybe their career isn’t going well, or they suddenly feel old or vulnerable. Maybe they suddenly don’t like what they’re seeing in the mirror or resent the disrespect their children showed them in a small moment in time. No matter why they feel bad, they often don’t know what to do with these negative feelings that are surfacing.

So, in an attempt to characterize them, they may simply project them onto the person closest to them or in the closest proximity. Unfortunately, that person often turns out to be you. I know this is unfair. I’m not defending it. I’m just trying to bring this to your attention so that you resist the urge to internalize his words or blame yourself for them.

Because sometimes, what you say is not 100% accurate, even if you are not fully aware of it. Sometimes the things that are falling apart in his life have little to do with you, but he may be annoyed that you’re not noticing it or that you’re not making it better. So his words (which he knows will derail you) are meant to get your attention and are, in a way, a call for help.

What your husband means (and what to do) when he says his feelings for you have changed: Now that we’ve cleared up the background, let’s talk about the options you might have in this situation. Some wives will take the words literally, think the marriage is over, fear their husbands no longer love them, or turn their anger and fear inward. These are common responses, but I hope you’ll avoid them.

Another option is that you can settle down, decide to take an honest look at yourself, your husband and your marriage and see if there is any improvement you can make. It is so easy to become complacent and not see what is really going on. We all get used to going through the motions while making sure everything is okay when it really isn’t. I too was guilty of this and it almost cost me my marriage.

Looking at my own husband’s perspective on this situation and talking to men who seek me out about it, I can tell you that when men tell you that their feelings have changed, they are often trying to get your attention. They often ask for more of your time, attention, and appreciation.

They want you to notice their struggles, empathize with them, and lighten their load. The thing is that they often do not realize what they want. They often don’t know that they are actually projecting their feelings. All you know is that things feel different between you and you don’t know how else to bring this to your attention. And believe it or not, this is often where your opportunity for improvement lies.