I have a lot of frustrated women who contact me and say things like, “My husband says he wants a divorce, but he doesn’t say why” or “He doesn’t tell me why he wants a divorce. Am I supposed to accept this without him giving me a valid reason? “I fully understand your frustration. I was also in this situation. You can’t help but think that if you could identify your reasoning for wanting a divorce, you could properly address the issues and save the marriage. But, your reluctance to talk about this means that you are flying blind or just groping in the dark. It’s hard to formulate a plan when you can’t even identify what you’re dealing with.
However, it took me a long time to realize that fixing and dwelling on this (and pestering my husband about it endlessly) was only doing me more harm than good. I’m certainly not saying that your reasons for wanting a divorce don’t matter. They certainly do. But, the truth of the matter is that you will have to do and say the same things no matter why this is happening. So while it is good to know, it is not required to save your marriage.
Know that even he may not know or understand why he is doing this (and if he does, he may not say so because he knows that you will disagree with him and will try to change his mind): Often when I tell women that a husband sometimes isn’t counting the beans about divorce because he can’t articulate his reasoning, not even to himself, they look at me like I’m crazy. But listen to me for a second. I have some men contacting me through my blog. Many of them want to know how to deal with their wives once they have filed for divorce or they want to know how to tell their wives that they want to end the marriage.
Of course, I can’t resist asking what caused this. I am looking to know if the problem is big or small, and if I believe that the marriage can be saved. The vast majority of them (I’d say over 85%) can’t articulate a concrete answer, even for me, someone who doesn’t know anything about them or their marriage. They will mutter a general reasoning like “well, we just broke up” or “I just don’t want to get married anymore” or “I want to start over.” Sometimes I even push and ask things like “Well, what caused this?” But even then, I’ll get vague responses like “we just split up” or “we’re not in love anymore.”
The point I’m trying to make is, men know that these reasons seem rather unconvincing and general, and I can hear their hesitation to say this out loud even to a stranger. And they also know that the second they say it, you will jump right in, with a long list of why they are wrong. More fights will ensue. There will be more tension. By wanting a divorce, they want to escape from these negative emotions, not create more of them. In essence, closing your lips is your attempt to get out without a lot of confrontation or debate. They don’t want to give you ammunition to try to change your mind or tell them they are wrong.
This is important for you to understand, because the plan that I think works best is based on this. We know you don’t want an argument or any attempt to change your mind, so we’re not going to give you that, although you are going to be quite surprised by this. No, we are going to agree with them and unbalance them a bit.
Go with the tide instead of against it: A reader once said that what I’m about to tell you is “go with the tide instead of trying to swim against it.” What he meant by that is that if you are constantly trying to swim against the current, you will eventually lose your strength and give up anyway. It is an impossible task. But, if you go with the tide, it allows you to effortlessly get it exactly where you want to go. So how does this relate to your marriage and your desire to divorce?
Because I want you to swim with the tide by agreeing with him and forgetting about trying to get the reasons for the divorce out of him. Listen to me. You and I know that this plan is designed to save your marriage, but we are not going to share that with him. Why? Because if we did, he would just close his ears to anything you had to say. He doesn’t want to allow him to change his mind, so you will stop trying.
Am I telling you to accept the divorce? Absolutely not. What I’m telling you is that in order to save your marriage, you first have to make them lower their guard. So, you’re going to stop harassing them about what’s going on in their head. You’ll agree that marriage as it is lately hasn’t been a picnic for you either. You are going to tell them that you would actually like to have some time for yourself as well. You will behave with class and respect for yourself. You’re going to stop killing yourself swimming against the current. And do you know what usually happens when you do this? They are absolutely appalled. This is not the reaction they expected.
And then they are curious. Is there anyone else? Don’t you love them anymore? They will need to know the answers to start snooping. And what do you do when this happens? You are still the most stylish, fun, joyous and loving version of yourself. Make sure they see the woman they fell in love with first and you are patient. You can’t straighten this train overnight, but you can do it step by step. He may know that each and every little victory will build on itself until he’s looking forward to every match and starts to think that all this talk about divorce was a big mistake.
