Learn from this real-time training scenario the key strategies a person can use to deal with the negativity of infidelity.

The first section presents a summary of the “offended” wife’s problem and/or concerns and what she would really like to convey to her cheating husband.

The article then outlines some goals that help you break free from the adventure.

The last and important section deals with diverting the focus from the spouse/partner to himself. What is the meaning and power for the “offended” partner or the one trying to cope with the discovery of infidelity?

After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the midst of the pain and confusion of perhaps losing their spouse, family, and home), I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can pass on to their spouse in a way speak directly to your concern and you have the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section #1: The “offended spouse” says:

Even though I know the adventure isn’t my fault, I think of ways I could improve. I keep trying to push away the negative and think about the positive that has come from this. It’s strange to say, but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come out of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of finding out and not seeing me or talking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say he was absolutely devastated, my family is devastated or feels like it, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians of. We have a seven-year-old son and an eighteen-month-old daughter.

Suddenly, the dream that I thought we were both striving for came to a halt while he was on active duty supporting the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat on her well, he told her that he was divorced from her that her wife, whom he still loved, she left him. I’m torn up inside in a way I’ve never felt before. Most of the others were shocked by what happened, but I knew it was coming and that part is painful. Through this I have found the faith to see me through difficult days and the support of family and friends is always good. I focus on keeping every moment of my life full of activity.

Section 2: Suggested Personal Goals:

Continue working on self-improvement goals.

Write in a journal or reflect on your internal dialogue. Be aware of the part that has negative thoughts. Try to understand the intention of this part and what this part wants for you.

Continue to build your support system (family, friends).

Allow yourself to mourn the loss.

Section 3: What the affair means to the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to tell their spouse/partner who is having the affair:

This seems so sudden. I wonder if you are really aware of your situation. It sounds like you could be buying yourself a bucket of responsibility and maybe trouble.

I wonder some days why you need to hide (the truth).

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Do not stop. Then ask yourself, “What does this marriage mean to ME?” What impact is your extramarital affair having on my feelings, thoughts, and actions? Then, rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of cheating on YOU.