When we think of bullying behavior, we can imagine children calling each other names on the playground or at school. However, bullying is more widespread than that, both among children and adults. Going through a divorce, you may be tempted to bully her future ex so that he or she “pays” for hurting you. This can be an extremely costly mistake. Not only can it cost you a lot of money in legal fees, but it can also cost you self-respect, close relationships, and the opportunity to plan for her future.
It is important to realize that bullying exists when there is an absence of compassion for oneself and others. Of course, when you go through a divorce, you often feel hurt and angry. Therefore, you might be tempted to show your spouse that he or she is “wrong” and that you are “right.” You might even believe that it is possible to “win” your divorce case. Therefore, you may choose to hire a divorce attorney who is aggressive and claims that he will “fight for you.” So you pay your lawyer to pummel your spouse (or their lawyer) with one nasty letter after another pleading your case and arguing why your position is indeed “correct.” This forces your spouse to defend themselves, and before you know it, neither of you is listening (or cares to listen) to the other.
This is bullying behavior, plain and simple. You have no compassion for yourself because you are neglecting your children’s needs and your most important values in the hope of “winning.” You also have no compassion for your spouse and what he or she may need. Believe it or not, this is important information because once you can listen and understand what your spouse needs, you will be able to solve your problems through creative negotiation. It is possible, and certainly more productive, to assertively communicate what you want without being aggressive or hostile. Perhaps you even have goals and interests that are the same as your spouse’s, such as what school your children should attend. Knowing this certainly reduces the number of problems to be solved and puts you on the same side as your spouse with the other’s problems. This is the approach recommended by the authors of Getting to Yes.
You should also be warned that intimidation only serves to increase your legal costs while maximizing hostility, which in turn drives you further away from achieving what is most important to you in the long run. These are the cases where the legal fees are the highest with the least satisfactory results. You are keeping up the fight, continuing to stoke your anger and pain, while seeking to obtain “vindication” from the court. You can subscribe to a fantasy in which the judge will point an accusing finger at your soon-to-be ex-spouse and declare you the “winner.” You may believe that your anger and pain will miraculously disappear as a result. However, the only thing that will miraculously disappear is your money, in your lawyer’s pocket. Also, I know of very few, if any, cases where at the end of a divorce trial, one or both parties gleefully jumped out of the courthouse and jumped for joy.
Ideally, allow yourself to feel the anger and hurt before you start the divorce process by taking advantage of the many resources available to help you. For example, you can find a competent counselor or coach you trust to help you work through difficult emotions and set priorities. You can also read material geared towards those divorcing, such as Abigail Trafford’s Crazy Time.
Remember, when you have children together, the reality is that your soon-to-be ex will still be a part of your family even though the family is no longer intact. So instead of attacking the other parent, wouldn’t it be more productive and satisfying to focus on the exciting task of renegotiating what your family would be like after divorce?
It is important to separate your difficult emotions from your concrete positive goals for the future because it is your future that you can create in the divorce process. And remember, when you think you can “win”, chances are you will lose.
