Isn’t it interesting how, when we’re in a long-term relationship, we expect, and even assume, that our partner will know our likes and dislikes, how we think about certain things? We can feel disappointed, even angry, if they slip up, don’t ‘get’ us, or completely misunderstand us; ‘They should have known that I would/wouldn’t like that, no matter what they were thinking!’

We may feel like they’re not paying attention, that they’re not fully invested in the relationship, that they don’t care enough about us. But perhaps we should ask ourselves if we have explained ourselves well enough. How could they know these things, we have told them, we hope they are psychics?

We meet other people, potential new friends, in random but self-chosen situations, often starting with just one or two commonalities. We can work together, go to the gym at the same time, network, use public transport. Over time, our initial smile of acknowledgment can gradually turn into a few words of friendly greeting or even an interest in taking things further and socializing together.

A new friendship can blossom as we begin to learn more about each other, perhaps pleasantly surprising ourselves by discovering shared interests, likes, and dislikes. We can feel so comfortable and in tune with each other that we simply assume that we share the same views and insights on many other issues.

Someone I barely know, a friend of a mutual acquaintance, recently texted me saying he had a dream about me. In his dream he told me that I wanted to tell him certain things but I felt unable to do so. He had texted me because she was worried about me and my emotional state.

She was surprised when I responded, pointing out that it was her dream, that the feelings were hers, and that everything she attributed to me in the dream had nothing to do with me. He had simply used me as a conduit to express his own thoughts and feelings about various things that were going on in his life. She had interpreted the dream as something real, an idea of ​​how I felt at that moment, when in reality it was all about her.

This is a perfect example of how our own reality can absorb and consume us to such an extent that we lose sight of how unique our personal experience of life is. Each of us has our own individual perspective and perception on life and living.

So how do we become better able to understand each other?

– When we want to relate, understand and get to know others. improving the way we listen to them is an important skill. Double-checking that we have heard and understood correctly, perhaps clarifying details we are unsure about, and showing that we are interested and committed by all helping to improve any communication.

– Practice empathy. How would you feel if you were in their situation? They clearly have their own interpretation of what’s going on, but being supportive and showing emotion that resonates with what they’ve said shows that you’re trying to be on the same page with them, you’re respecting their situation.

– But still, avoid hijacking the conversation. with ‘I know how you feel, it happened to me, let me tell you all about it!’ While it can be comforting for them to know that they are not alone in their experiences, it does work to lessen their feelings and keeps the conversation focused on just you. He’s not very understanding, is he?

– Avoid the temptation to jump to conclusions, finish sentences or guess what they are saying to you. Make good eye contact and be patient as you listen carefully. Understanding comes from appreciating the whole picture, how they feel about their story, not just the words that are said.

– Good communicators avoid the use of jargon or acronyms. They explain the basics, not in a patronizing way, but in a way that allows others to feel comfortable and included. When we are familiar with our own subject matter, too self-aware of our own history, it can be easy to assume that others are just as informed as we are, that they have the same level of understanding. But that is not always the case.

We can be so immersed and wrapped up in our story, our own version of events, that we often inadvertently prevent others from understanding us. A little extra care and attention invested in expressing ourselves well can make a difference and help others understand us better.